When a grandparent becomes seriously ill or begins receiving palliative care, families often face a difficult question: how much should we tell the grandchildren?
It is natural to want to protect children from frightening or upsetting information. But children are often very aware when something within the family has changed. They may notice that a grandparent looks different, has less energy, is spending more time in bed, has moved into a care home, or that the adults around them seem worried.
Avoiding the subject completely can sometimes leave children trying to make sense of these changes themselves. Organisations including Marie Curie and Child Bereavement UK recommend giving children honest, age-appropriate information and allowing them opportunities to ask questions.
The aim is not to tell a child everything at once. It is to help them understand what is happening in a way that feels safe, honest and appropriate for their age.
What Is Palliative Care?
Palliative care supports people living with serious or life-limiting illnesses. Rather than focusing only on treating the underlying illness, it aims to improve comfort and quality of life by managing symptoms such as pain and providing emotional, psychological, social and spiritual support.
Importantly, palliative care does not necessarily mean that someone is expected to die immediately. It can be provided alongside other treatments and may begin well before the final stages of someone’s life.
Families looking for a fuller explanation can also read our guide,
What Is Palliative Care? A Guide for Families.
At
Merling, supporting families is an important part of palliative care. When grandchildren are involved, this can include helping families make visits comfortable and allowing children to continue spending meaningful time with their grandparent.
Should You Tell Children About Palliative Care?
In most circumstances, hiding a serious illness completely is unlikely to make things easier for a child.
Children notice changes. They hear fragments of conversations, see adults becoming upset and recognise when familiar routines suddenly change. Without an explanation, their imagination may provide one instead, and that explanation can sometimes be more frightening than the truth.
Marie Curie reports that children and young people who have experienced someone close to them having a terminal illness have said that open and honest communication helped them during the experience.
Child Bereavement UK similarly recommends giving children honest, age-appropriate information about what is likely to happen rather than offering false reassurance that may later undermine their trust.
That does not mean a five-year-old requires the same explanation as a fifteen-year-old. What you say should depend on the child’s age, understanding, relationship with their grandparent and what is actually known about the grandparent’s condition.
Keep the Explanation Simple
Children do not usually need a medical lecture.
A younger child might simply need to understand:
“Grandad is very poorly. The doctors and carers are helping him feel as comfortable as possible.”
An older child may be ready for more detail about the illness, treatment and what palliative care means.
If the grandparent is approaching the end of their life, clearer language may eventually be necessary. Marie Curie and Child Bereavement UK advise using straightforward language when discussing death and avoiding expressions that children could interpret literally, such as saying someone is simply “going to sleep”.
There is no need to explain everything in one conversation either. Children often process difficult information gradually. Give them enough information to understand what is happening and allow further questions to develop naturally.
Be Honest When You Do Not Know the Answer
Children can ask surprisingly direct questions.
“Will Grandma get better?”
“Is Grandad going to die?”
“How long does she have?”
“Will it happen to you?”
Adults understandably want to provide reassurance, but sometimes the most truthful answer is simply that you do not know.
You might explain that the doctors and carers are doing everything they can to keep their grandparent comfortable, but nobody knows exactly what will happen or when.
If a grandparent is known to be approaching the end of their life, being honest about this is difficult but important. Child Bereavement UK advises against creating false hope when a child asks directly whether someone is going to die.
Being honest does not mean removing hope. Hope may simply change. Instead of hoping that an illness disappears, the family might hope for comfortable days, enjoyable visits, another birthday together or simply more opportunities to say the things that matter.
Let Children Ask Questions
Children may not immediately respond to difficult news.
One child might ask ten questions. Another might say very little and then ask something completely unrelated five minutes later. Both responses can be normal.
Make it clear that questions are always welcome, including questions that come days or weeks later.
Children may find conversations easier while doing something else rather than sitting down for a formal family discussion. Marie Curie suggests that activities such as playing, colouring, cooking or watching television can sometimes make it easier for children to talk because the conversation feels less intense.
You can also occasionally reopen the conversation yourself. A child may have questions but worry that mentioning their grandparent will upset the adults around them.
Explain What They Might See During a Visit
If a grandparent’s appearance or behaviour has changed significantly, prepare children before they visit.
Depending on the person’s condition, a child might notice that their grandparent:
- Looks thinner or more tired
- Sleeps more than before
- Has difficulty speaking
- Uses oxygen or medical equipment
- Needs help eating, drinking or moving
- Is less responsive than they remember
- Is living in a different environment
Explaining these changes beforehand can make them less surprising.
Keep the description factual without making it frightening. Tell the child what they are likely to see and reassure them that staff are there to keep their grandparent safe and comfortable.
At
Glebe House and
Moorland House, families remain an important part of residents’ lives, including when someone’s care needs change.
Give Grandchildren a Choice About Visiting
Where appropriate, children should have some involvement in deciding how they spend time with a seriously ill grandparent.
Some children may desperately want to visit. Others may feel frightened or uncomfortable. Their feelings can also change from one week to another.
Preparing them properly can help, but children should not feel that they must behave in a particular way or have the “perfect” final conversation.
A visit can be very ordinary.
They might:
- Watch television together
- Read their grandparent a story
- Show them photographs
- Draw them a picture
- Listen to music
- Talk about school
- Hold their hand
- Bring something they have made
- Simply sit together
The important thing is the connection, not creating a dramatic moment.
Marie Curie notes that involving children and young people appropriately while someone is dying can help them understand what is happening and may provide comfort later in bereavement.
Visits are one way families can remain connected when a loved one receives professional care. Our guide to
how family involvement works in a care home explains how relatives can stay involved while respecting the resident’s wishes and routines.
Help Them Create Memories
Palliative care can also provide families with an opportunity to intentionally create and preserve memories.
Depending on the grandparent’s health and wishes, families might create:
- A photograph album
- Recorded stories about their life
- Letters for grandchildren to read in the future
- A family recipe book
- Voice recordings
- A memory box
- Handprints or artwork
- A collection of favourite photographs
- A video message
Sometimes the simplest memories become the most valuable: Grandad explaining how he met Grandma, Grandma teaching a favourite recipe, or simply recording the sound of someone’s laugh.
These activities should never feel like an obligation. Some grandparents will enjoy them; others will prefer to simply spend ordinary time with their family.
Allow Children to See Emotion
Adults sometimes believe they must remain completely composed around children.
It is perfectly reasonable to try to provide stability, but children do not necessarily need adults to pretend that nothing is wrong.
Marie Curie advises that being open about emotions can help children feel able to express their own feelings.
Saying something as simple as “I’m feeling sad because Grandma is very poorly” shows a child that sadness is understandable and can be spoken about.
What matters is helping them understand that adult emotions are not their responsibility to fix.
Adults may also be managing difficult feelings about arranging professional care for their own parent. If this is part of your experience, our guide to
dealing with guilt when choosing care for a seriously ill parent offers a related perspective.
Keep Everyday Life as Normal as Possible
Serious illness can easily dominate family life.
For children, maintaining normal routines can provide valuable stability. School, sport, seeing friends, birthdays and ordinary family activities should continue wherever possible.
A child laughing or enjoying themselves while a grandparent is seriously ill does not mean they do not care.
Children can move quickly between sadness and ordinary life. They may cry about their grandparent one moment and ask to play football ten minutes later. Adults should avoid making them feel guilty for this.
Allowing childhood to continue can be one of the most helpful things a family does.
What If the Grandparent Is Approaching the End of Life?
Palliative care and end-of-life care are related, but they are not exactly the same thing. The NHS describes end-of-life care as a form of palliative care provided when somebody is approaching the end of their life.
If doctors or care staff believe a grandparent is dying, grandchildren may need a clearer explanation of what is happening.
This conversation should reflect the child’s age and maturity, but simple and direct language is generally easier for children to understand than vague phrases.
They should also be given opportunities to ask questions and decide, where appropriate, whether they would like to visit or communicate with their grandparent.
There is no single perfect script. What matters most is honesty, reassurance and making sure the child knows there are adults available to answer questions and support them.
For adults who would like a clearer understanding before talking with children, our guide to
what end-of-life care involves explains the support someone may receive and how families can remain involved.
Supporting Grandchildren After a Death
If their grandparent dies, continue talking openly.
Children may need the same information explained several times before they fully understand it. They may also experience grief differently from adults.
The NHS recommends allowing children opportunities to talk about the person who has died, while specialist organisations such as Child Bereavement UK provide additional resources for families supporting bereaved children.
Continue mentioning their grandparent. Look through photographs. Tell stories. Celebrate birthdays or traditions if the family wants to.
Helping a child remember someone can be just as important as helping them understand that they have died.
Palliative Care at Merling
At
Merling Care, we understand that serious illness affects more than the individual receiving care. It affects partners, children, grandchildren and the wider family.
Our approach focuses on keeping residents comfortable, respected and surrounded by the people who matter to them.
Glebe House in Staines provides residential and nursing care, while
Moorland House in Barton-on-Sea provides residential care. Families are encouraged to remain involved in their loved one’s life, with care tailored around individual needs and circumstances.
When someone is receiving palliative care, ordinary family moments still matter enormously. A grandchild visiting after school, bringing in a drawing or simply sitting beside their grandparent can remain an important part of family life.
Find out more about
palliative care at Merling and speak with the team about your loved one’s needs, family involvement and whether a suitable home can provide the support required.
Frequently Asked Questions
Should I tell my child that their grandparent is receiving palliative care?
Generally, children benefit from an honest and age-appropriate explanation of what is happening. They do not necessarily need detailed medical information, but explaining that their grandparent is seriously ill and is receiving care to help keep them comfortable can prevent confusion and worry.
Does palliative care mean their grandparent is dying?
Not necessarily. Palliative care can begin earlier in a serious illness and may be provided alongside other treatment. End-of-life care is a particular form of palliative care provided when someone is approaching the end of life.
What if my child asks whether their grandparent will die?
Answer as honestly as you can. If you do not know, it is fine to say so. If doctors believe the person is likely to die, Child Bereavement UK recommends giving children truthful, age-appropriate information rather than providing false reassurance.
Should grandchildren visit someone receiving palliative care?
Where the grandparent wants to see them and a visit is appropriate, maintaining contact can be valuable. Prepare the child for any physical changes they may notice and give them some choice about how they would like to interact.
How can I make these conversations easier?
Use simple language, answer the child’s actual questions and allow the conversation to happen gradually. Some children find it easier to talk while drawing, playing or doing another activity rather than during a formal conversation.
Final Thoughts
Helping grandchildren understand palliative care is not about finding one perfect explanation.
It is about giving children enough truthful information to make sense of what is happening, answering their questions, allowing them to express difficult emotions and reminding them that they are surrounded by people who will support them.
Most importantly, palliative care does not mean family life has to stop.
There can still be visits, stories, jokes, photographs, favourite television programmes, cups of tea and ordinary conversations. For grandchildren especially, those everyday moments may eventually become some of their most treasured memories.
If you are considering palliative, residential or nursing care for yourself or a loved one,
Merling Care welcomes enquiries at any stage. Families are invited to arrange a visit to
Glebe House in Staines or
Moorland House in Barton-on-Sea, meet the team and talk through the care options available.
